The Good, The Bad and the Ugly
![Study in Gray, Black and White [and rust]](http://ecirque.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/white-gray.jpg "Study in Gray, Black and White [and rust]")
Study in Gray, Black and White (and rust)
I have come to believe that just thinking or focusing on what is good or beautiful is no different than focusing on what is bad or ugly.
That is fine, but how is one to keep oneself out of depression with that frame of mind? If we follow that line of thinking then, there is nothing depressing or bad about depression.
I don’t think I can live that way. You can read more of our discussion that started on the usefulness of Deepak Chopras work in dealing with depression.
Hello Lautrec,
I see you’ve started a new thread in response to ‘Good vs. Bad and Beautiful vs. Ugly’
Let me ask you a question, if there was in fact nothing depressing or bad about depression, then what? Wouldn’t you be free of depression then? Think about it for a moment.
What exactly is depression? Is your depression different than my depression? Can you touch this depression? Can you see it? Can you feel it in an objective way (apart from the subjectivity of your mind)?
Listen, I have struggled with this thing that I call depression for years now. I use the word depression out of convenience; however, it is a word that has a lot of misconceptions attached to it.
Physicians will lead you to believe that it is a ‘bio-chemical-social-behavioural’ condition. They will then persuade you with their so called expertise that if you fix the chemical imbalance you can learn to ‘live with the depression’.
Psychologists will tell you that it is a cognitive-behavioural issue. You don’t think properly so you don’t behave properly and thus you don’t feel properly.
The spiritual teachers will tell you that it is a matter of the soul; that you are not in harmony with your ‘true’ self.
Who’s right?
Perhaps they all are, or then again maybe none of them are.
The thing with matters of the mind/soul/being, is that they are very subjective. Have you found anyone else that can understand your depression yet? Someone who has said to you, ‘Oh yeah, I’ve felt like that before, I’ve had those same exact thoughts, I felt those exact same emotions’?
Well I for one haven’t.
Now, I hope that you can agree with me that this thing that you and I (and everyone else) calls depression is really not a universal concept. It is something entirely different to you than it is to me and to the rest of the world. That being said, I hope that I can share with you a new way of looking at things.
“That is fine, but how is one to keep oneself out of depression with that frame of mind?”
What frame of mind is it that keeps you in depression? Is it a frame of mind of only focusing on what is so called ‘bad and ugly’? Maybe you can explain to me what bad and ugly is exactly? Is it not a subjective experience? Let me explain:
We are both driving down a country road on a warm summer day. Off to the side of the road is a bunny rabbit that has succumbed to a pack of wolves. Immediately I see this and reinforce a belief of mine that the world is viscous and cruel and evil. How could there be a God that would let such cruelty occur to such an innocent and beautiful creation? I feel more depressed witnessing this sight and feel myself falling into deeper despair.
Meanwhile, you see the exact same objective experience, yet you feel a sense of calm and awe come over you. You are witnessing the magic of the universe; while you do feel compassion for the rabbit, you are also overcome by the joy of knowing that all of nature depends on millions of events just like this. You are witnessing the beauty of life.
We both saw the same objective thing, but had vastly different subjective experiences. One saw ‘good and beauty’ while the other saw ‘bad and ugly’.
Is either of these better than the other?
Now you might say that you (using the example above) had a better way of looking at things, and thus you ‘prevented’ yourself from falling into depression.
Ok. Let’s continue the story.
A couple of months later you are heading out for a walk after dinner. You call out for your dog ‘Rex’, and begin to worry when you don’t hear his barking as a reply. You continue on your walk, thinking that he may just be running around the neighborhood. As you continue on your walk down a well worn path in a wooded area you come upon a pack of wolves in a circle. You jump back with fear, and notice that there in the centre is your beloved dog Rex - being shredded to pieces. You immediately scream out in horror, and in the days that follow you fall into a deep depression. You can’t help but think that everyone and everything you love is always taken away from you. The world is cruel and unfair, and oh so painful.
What happened? What happened to the ‘good’ thoughts? Why is it that what was once good is now horribly bad? The objective experience is nearly identical to what led you to peace and calm in the first instance, and in a deep depression in the next.
Are good and bad and beautiful and ugly not just perceptions? Being perceptions, are they really any different than each other?
“I don’t think I can live that way.”
And so you won’t - you have already decided how you will live, without even considering the possibility of living any other way.
Paul,
OK, then lets embrace depression and encourage more of it in our lives. I don’t think that is wise for my own sanity and well being and peace.
Yes, I agree with you that if there is nothing depressing or bad about depression then the problem would be solved. However, I still have to get up every day and function in some way. I would prefer to function in a happy, peaceful, loving and wise manner today. If you think that is not a good way to live and that we should just let our depression take it’s own course then I welcome you to live that way, but I cannot. In the midst of my darkest hour, I had no respect for myself or anyone and no hope. When I say that I cannot live that way, that is what I mean. I choose to embrace every good thing. [I know, in your way of thinking there is no such thing as good, but what is peace, but what is prosperity, but what is abundance, but what is clarity, but what is generosity, but what is beauty?]
And another thing Paul,
What does that mean? How does one live another way?
Lautrec,
There is nothing more that I want than for the entire universe to be free of suffering. This applies equally to you as it does to me and to every other person/being that is suffering.
I too have lived through those dark moments; some so dark and cold and lonely and so menacingly painful that I do not know how I am still alive today. I have felt the pain of abandonment and misery - a pain so deep inside of me that I am afraid to ever awaken that monster again. So I tiptoe around it, perform a dance of magic in hopes that it will just go away one day. I ignore it, find beauty in everything, think positive thoughts - do anything I can so I never have to go near that endless abyss of pain again.
You see, we are not all that different. I do the exact same things that I know at some intuitive level are not working. It reminds me of one definition of insanity: ‘Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.’
My life, as I see it, is a testament to deep suffering and despair. For so long I tried everything to shake off the demons in my mind. I’ve turned to God, I’ve turned to silence, I’ve turned to Love. With every attempt I struggled, struggled just to live - and with time I have began to realize that life shouldn’t have to be a struggle. I shouldn’t have to struggle to just be; to just live in the ever lasting present moment and feel whatever I feel. To open up my consciousness fully to pain, to sorrow, to happiness, to joy, to hatred, to love. To feel the pain that I fear so much, to allow it to just be in the everlasting present moment. Free of judgment, free of guilt. Perhaps then I can see it for what it truly is; whatever that may be. Perhaps it is an unsettled inner conflict - I need to let go. Perhaps it is a wound from the past - I need to let go. Perhaps it is an old survival technique that worked for the 5 year old that I once was but is no longer required - I need to let go.
All I mean by living another way is to be free. To be free from our fears, our past, our suffering, our pain. To take ownership of those past hurts, those wounds that we revisit over and over again - and by doing so continue to hurt ourselves over and over again.
I ask what is good? what is bad? what is beautiful? what is ugly? so perhaps I can see such things as they really are. Free from past memories, old tapes, the 5 year old’s survival techniques, from old hurts. I ask these questions so that I can shift my awareness from what I think these things mean to what they really mean. So I can see things as they really are. So I can live effortlessly and let go of the struggle that has become my life.
Living ‘another way’ is opening ourselves to the possibility that we can be free of suffering. Perhaps the way to do this is different for you than it is for me, but I think it starts with an understanding that what may have worked for us in the past is no longer working for us now.
Take care and be free of suffering.
Paul,
I am so sorry that it took me so many days to get back with you. I understand you much better now. You write beautifully and you have a real gift for expressing yourself. I feel honored to have met you and to be able to converse with you over the miles.
I am experiencing more freedom from my pain than I ever have in my life. I covered it up for so many years that it scared the hell out of me when I stumbled across it last year. Who knew that a high school reunion could prompt such insanity and pain. I guess it just brought back a lot of the old issues that hurt me so growing up and I looked at my life as not having changed at all in all the decades that had passed since then. I felt just like that strange little kid again that nobody understood and that fit in nowhere.
I watch my thoughts very carefully now and I practice a strict diet. I watch what I take in, what I hear, what I listen to, what I focus on, what I let my mind linger on.
I am learning to be quiet. I am learning to acknowledge my pain and not to try to cover it up with too much alcohol, too much sex, too much work, or too much “——-” [fill in the blank. I also know that I cannot linger too long in my pain because I know what I am capable of.
Paul, bless you!
Lautrec