Author Archives: lautrec

How do I stop criticizing myself?

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Questions

Questions

From B. DeRoes page on test anxiety from Edmund Bourne’s “The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook” I found these Socratic tips on countering negative self talk:

  1. What is the evidence for this?
  2. Is this always true?
  3. Has this been true in the past?
  4. What are the odds of this really happening (or being true?)
  5. What is the very worst that could happen? What is so bad about that? What would I do if the worst happened?
  6. Am I looking at the whole picture?
  7. Am I being fully objective?

These are excellent questions to ask yourself when you “get your negative tapes” going in your head.

Arguments and Panic Attacks

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Happy Sad Faces

Happy Sad Faces

When I started this blog, I wanted it to be brutally honest and deeply personal. It is hard to do that when I am really upset and things look really bleak in my life. I know that to really help others however I need to share the tough times as well as the good.

I often panic when I have a bad argument with someone I love. I can only describe these incidences as panic attacks because that’s how they feel. When I reach that level, I feel like I am totally out of control. I cannot stop crying and I feel experience an ever increasing, growing and rising sense of anxiety and chaos. In these times it feels like everything is hopeless and blowing apart inside of me.

What I learned today since my panic attack last night is this:

On my spiritual journey, I have to stay focused on changing and improving me – not my loved ones. I cannot drive them away from me with constant nagging and criticism. Here’s a great article on “What You Can Do to Improve Your Marriage”.

I still have a lot to learn about listening. I found a great post by Filipina Mom Blogger about listening to a husband that loves to rant.

About Panic Attacks I found this resource on Negative Self Talk. It is actually about panic attacks that occur when you take a test, but the phenomenon is the same regardless of what causes the behavior.

Clearing the Path

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Fall in the northeast

Fall in the northeast

Today as I took my 5 mile walk I had to clear allot of fallen branches along the path as we have had a lot of heavy winds in the last couple of days. It reminded me that this journal hopefully performs the same purpose in some way. I hope that in relating my own experiences that I can help to remove obstacles along life’s path that might cause someone else to stumble like I did. I am grateful that I can relate my own experiences with depression, self respect and motivation to help others along their own paths.

Grateful for My Mother

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Mom

Mom

I have not always been grateful for my mother and when she died we were not on the best of terms.  Recently my perspective has been changing somewhat as I have been helping a friend whose children keep pushing her away saying they aren’t responsible for taking care of her now that she is getting older and weaker. It has hit me hard how grateful I have to be for my mother and how I want to honor her memory today.

My mother was a wonderfully strange and funny creature. She was very different than any of the women in my family. There was not a woman anywhere in my known universe at the time that was even remotely like this woman. She never had any time for gossip or negative talk about anyone. She never wanted to speak evil of anyone or anything. She loved to read more than any person I have ever met and was always busy with some creative project. She loved working, she loved selling, she loved shopping for her children. She loved people so deeply that when she died it was not just her family that grieved, but her church and her community all felt a deep sense of loss. I miss that woman and today I honor her memory and her hard work to make me the wonderful person that I am today. I am as unique as she was and I am proud of it.

As I help my friend deal with being rejected and abandoned by her children for “being too much trouble” I know now that I must have hurt my own mother deeply at times by not responding when she called out for help. I forgive myself for my own selfishness and I know that my mother in heaven forgives me too.

I affirm for my friend that she will be able to some day be close with her family and have everyone reach out to each other freely without any baggage from the past, without any emotional wounds or resentments and simply love and respect each other in the present moment. I see her with her children and her grandchildren in a warm and happy family gathering of peace and joy.

Abundance

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Dinner

Dinner

Just a note. When you think your life is hard, take a moment to think what it is like in poorer countries: See this comparison of what families around the world eat in one week. You might feel differently after seeing this.

I am grateful for the roof over my head, for the friends and family in my life, for the food in my refrigerator, for all the blessings that I have living in a beautiful part of the country.

Walking in Gratitude

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Fall 2008 October in New Jersey

Fall 2008 October in New Jersey

Every day my walks help me to keep my head screwed on straight. I am grateful that I finally decided to get off my ass and start taking care of my mind, my body and my soul. With every step on my walk, I try to remain in an attitude of gratitude. I am a very happy man that my life has changed so much for the better. I encourage all of you to get out and walk as much as you can every day. Do it for yourself. Do it for the universe. Do it for your own peace of mind. Just Do It.

My Depression – The Worlds Depression

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Abundance in Nature

Abundance in Nature

My Depression preceded the Worldwide Economic Crisis of 2008 by a few months and for that I am grateful. I don’t think I could have taken the entire planet writhing in pain at the same time that I was. It would have made “my world” even darker.

It is interesting to compare my own crisis with the worlds right now because at the base there is a striking similarity. Joe Nocera of the New York Times said of the financial crisis this morning:

Similarly, when times are bad, fear and loathing capture our imagination, and we find it equally impossible to see a glimmer of hope.

It is that same irrational fear and loathing that led to my own downfall. I was afraid of the future and I loathed my present and my past. I had come to absolutely hate myself. It was strange this week to see bankers, traders and big wigs acting out the same self destructive fantasies that I had in the midst of my depression. It seemed at times this week that the whole world had gotten a serious gut wrenching flu that was sending it into cold sweats with waves of nausea and pain.

The only way I had out of my crisis was to begin to respect myself again and to look for hope. In some way, that is what the world has to do now too. It has to learn from the mistakes of the recent past and get up off the floor, screaming at the top of its lungs, writing in pain.

The world is no less abundant than it was a few weeks ago.

The universe is not poorer than it was a few weeks ago.

The universe is just as rich as it ever was. Nothing has changed.

Do you have just one thing to be thankful for today? Is there more?

Stop Drawing Negative Energy To Yourself

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Hiking Path

Hiking Path

I went for a walk the other day with a very good friend. Everything was going well until we stepped out the front door. All of a sudden everything went sour. Whatever was going on in the street that was bad, he drew right into us. A person whistling to get someone else’s attention really seemed to bother him and right after that, another person was in a crosswalk trying to cross the street, stepped out into traffic and put their hand up to make sure that everyone was stopping, (sort of like a crossing guard). My friend thought they were being stupid and called them a few choice names. This all happened within a matter of two minutes at the beginning of the walk and I was totally rattled before we started. These walks for me are my meditation and my therapy and this experience was not good for my mind or my emotions or even my friendship. I was really angry that he had pulled up so much negative energy off the street.

A few days later I told my friend how this upset me and how it ruined the walk that day and they were not even aware of how they were pulling all this negative energy. It has made me very aware of how I interpret the events around me and how I must strive to see things in new ways and not to let things get under my skin.

Since then, my friend and I have talked and when we go out for walks together, we try to prepare ourselves spiritually and mentally before we step out of the house. It just goes to show you that you never know what is facing you when you step out the door in the morning, so you have to be prepared. You have to be expecting good things before you take that first step. We all have to be careful not to make ourselves magnets of negativity.

The Worst or Best 8 Weeks of My Life

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8 Weeks

8 Weeks

Recently a friend of mine has been struggling with unemployment after his company lost its biggest customer and he was forced to go to work for someone else. I have been helping him with his resume and with setting up an email account. One day as he was leaving the house he was telling me about the temporary job that he was starting for the next eight weeks and he said “I just know this is going to be the worst 8 weeks of my life.” To which I responded that with that attitude he was making sure that it would turn out that way. This is just how we screw up the opportunities that life gives us by not being appreciative of what we have now, that just might lead us onto better things. I encouraged him to think about the whole situation a little more positively and it did help him get some money to get to the next step.

The Good, The Bad and the Ugly

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Study in Gray, Black and White [and rust]

Study in Gray, Black and White (and rust)

Recently one of my blog members, Paul/Pacmac stated:

I have come to believe that just thinking or focusing on what is good or beautiful is no different than focusing on what is bad or ugly.

That is fine, but how is one to keep oneself out of depression with that frame of mind? If we follow that line of thinking then, there is nothing depressing or bad about depression.

I don’t think I can live that way. You can read more of our discussion that started on the usefulness of Deepak Chopras work in dealing with depression.