The Only Person That I Can Ever Change Is Me

Posted on February 8, 2009 by lautrec

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Milepost .... (or half a mile post)

My prescription for peace within myself and within the world is simply that: Focus on the only thing that we can ever change: ourselves.

Yesterday, I listened to a friend telling me what a horrible day she had one day this week and that’s all I could think of the while she told the story: The only person I can ever change is me. She told me how horrible this person had treated her and how wrong it was for anyone to act that way and how that person will never learn if someone doesn’t tell them they can’t behave that way. So she proceeded to file a complaint with her boss to prove to her how wrong she was. The lady was horrified for being turned in and to get back at my friend, she returned her Christmas present the next day. My friend was very proud of herself for standing up for herself and for what was right.

As I listened I realized that the hurt in this case was caused not by the lady who was mean, but by my friend who turned the lady’s actions into hurt inside her own heart. This “mean lady” did not take that hurt and place it inside of my friend’s heart, soul or mind. My friend made her own hurt and then was proud of what she had done.

In looking at this situation from the outside, it was easy to see the mistakes that my friend had made. It is not so easy when it is my own life that I am talking about with my own arguments and my own “nasty people” to deal with. The truth is still the same however. I cannot change the behavior or attitudes of anyone around me. I can only change how I react to others. I can only choose to change myself and not anyone else. I can take responsibility for my own emotions and my own happiness and my own life. For this I am grateful.

The quandary here however is how to tell my friend that I think she is wrong and that she is setting herself up for more hurt and more pain. Am I not trying to change my friend by telling her that I think she is wrong?

Become The Story You Create

Posted on December 12, 2008 by lautrec

Cabbage: A Natural Mandala

Today I was doing my morning reading of the New York Times when an article by Judith Warner caught my eye that reminded me of a conversation that I was just having with a friend about her daughters and her inability to keep their problems from becoming hers. I ran across this jewel that I think has a wonderful message for us all today:

“We fuse with the words we use,” the psychologist Keith Saylor told me last week. “We become the story we create. And there’s a story being created about who your child is.”

Of course Dr. Saylor was talking about our relationships with our children but the same principle applies to how we think about ourselves and our lives and what we manifest or create in our daily lives.

I am grateful that I can now manifest and create wonderful things in my own life and that I choose to create love, peace, beauty, wisdom and understanding in my world.

I am Strange and that is Good

Posted on November 22, 2008 by lautrec

Strange . Unique . Odd . Wonderful

On my walk for the past few days I have been working on accepting myself just as I am. I have been celebrating and affirming my Self in every way. I spent decades trying to be like others or wishing that I could be more like other people or fit in better with the rest of the world. What a waste of time. I am myself and that is my gift to the universe. I choose to use my talents, my intelligence, my perspective, and my love to make the world a better place.

I am Strange and that is Good! I am grateful for who I am. All is well!

Celebrating 50 Years of Life

Posted on October 29, 2008 by lautrec

50: A number not to be feared

Today is my 50th birthday and I choose to celebrate my own survival and prosperity this day. I claim every good thing for myself. I look forward to a whole new decade of discovery and growth. I thank the universe for helping me to get over my self [self and negative perceptions of my personality and place in the world] and my obsession with failure and poverty. I embrace my new world. I embrace my own personal “new age”.

I thank Louise Hay for helping me to get here. I thank my mother and my father and my entire family for their love and wisdom. I thank my life partner for being here for me and holding my hand for the past year while I walked through the dark valley of my own making in my own despair and self hatred. I am a wonderfully lucky and blessed man. I am grateful for my father’s visit this past summer and his acceptance and love for me. I am grateful for a roof over my head, food in my refrigerator and cupboards, opportunities surrounding me in every direction, for political freedom, the chance to run my own business, the health to be able to walk 5 miles a day, for stopping smoking this year, for wonderful new destinations that I have discovered, and the blessings of technology that make the Internet and this blog possible.

Turning fifty years old is not scary at all. It is the fear of turning fifty that is really scary. It is a fear that can destroy you; It is a fear that can drive you crazy, but only if you let it. Embrace the possibility of this moment and your future. Embrace The Concept and The Reality of Now.

Arguments and Panic Attacks

Posted on October 26, 2008 by lautrec

Happy Sad Faces

When I started this blog, I wanted it to be brutally honest and deeply personal. It is hard to do that when I am really upset and things look really bleak in my life. I know that to really help others however I need to share the tough times as well as the good.

I often panic when I have a bad argument with someone I love. I can only describe these incidences as panic attacks because that’s how they feel. When I reach that level, I feel like I am totally out of control. I cannot stop crying and I feel experience an ever increasing, growing and rising sense of anxiety and chaos. In these times it feels like everything is hopeless and blowing apart inside of me.

What I learned today since my panic attack last night is this:

On my spiritual journey, I have to stay focused on changing and improving me – not my loved ones. I cannot drive them away from me with constant nagging and criticism. Here’s a great article on “What You Can Do to Improve Your Marriage”.

I still have a lot to learn about listening. I found a great post by Filipina Mom Blogger about listening to a husband that loves to rant.

About Panic Attacks I found this resource on Negative Self Talk. It is actually about panic attacks that occur when you take a test, but the phenomenon is the same regardless of what causes the behavior.

Grateful for My Mother

Posted on October 22, 2008 by lautrec

Mom

I have not always been grateful for my mother and when she died we were not on the best of terms. Recently my perspective has been changing somewhat as I have been helping a friend whose children keep pushing her away saying they aren’t responsible for taking care of her now that she is getting older and weaker. It has hit me hard how grateful I have to be for my mother and how I want to honor her memory today.

My mother was a wonderfully strange and funny creature. She was very different than any of the women in my family. There was not a woman anywhere in my known universe at the time that was even remotely like this woman. She never had any time for gossip or negative talk about anyone. She never wanted to speak evil of anyone or anything. She loved to read more than any person I have ever met and was always busy with some creative project. She loved working, she loved selling, she loved shopping for her children. She loved people so deeply that when she died it was not just her family that grieved, but her church and her community all felt a deep sense of loss. I miss that woman and today I honor her memory and her hard work to make me the wonderful person that I am today. I am as unique as she was and I am proud of it.

As I help my friend deal with being rejected and abandoned by her children for “being too much trouble” I know now that I must have hurt my own mother deeply at times by not responding when she called out for help. I forgive myself for my own selfishness and I know that my mother in heaven forgives me too.

I affirm for my friend that she will be able to some day be close with her family and have everyone reach out to each other freely without any baggage from the past, without any emotional wounds or resentments and simply love and respect each other in the present moment. I see her with her children and her grandchildren in a warm and happy family gathering of peace and joy.

Abundance

Posted on October 20, 2008 by lautrec

Dinner

Just a note. When you think your life is hard, take a moment to think what it is like in poorer countries: See this comparison of what families around the world eat in one week. You might feel differently after seeing this.

I am grateful for the roof over my head, for the friends and family in my life, for the food in my refrigerator, for all the blessings that I have living in a beautiful part of the country.

Stop Drawing Negative Energy To Yourself

Posted on October 10, 2008 by lautrec

Hiking Path

I went for a walk the other day with a very good friend. Everything was going well until we stepped out the front door. All of a sudden everything went sour. Whatever was going on in the street that was bad, he drew right into us. A person whistling to get someone else’s attention really seemed to bother him and right after that, another person was in a crosswalk trying to cross the street, stepped out into traffic and put their hand up to make sure that everyone was stopping, (sort of like a crossing guard). My friend thought they were being stupid and called them a few choice names. This all happened within a matter of two minutes at the beginning of the walk and I was totally rattled before we started. These walks for me are my meditation and my therapy and this experience was not good for my mind or my emotions or even my friendship. I was really angry that he had pulled up so much negative energy off the street.

A few days later I told my friend how this upset me and how it ruined the walk that day and they were not even aware of how they were pulling all this negative energy. It has made me very aware of how I interpret the events around me and how I must strive to see things in new ways and not to let things get under my skin.

Since then, my friend and I have talked and when we go out for walks together, we try to prepare ourselves spiritually and mentally before we step out of the house. It just goes to show you that you never know what is facing you when you step out the door in the morning, so you have to be prepared. You have to be expecting good things before you take that first step. We all have to be careful not to make ourselves magnets of negativity.

Sometimes You Just Need To Say It

Posted on September 25, 2008 by lautrec

Black and White and Rust Abstract

There is no handbook for relationships and sometimes I just don’t know when I should shut up or when I should just say what I have to say. There are no hard fast rules on these things and deciding what to do, when to speak up seems like an impossible task.

Recently I learned that I went through all sorts of emotional traumas simply because I withheld what I really needed to say when the other person really needed to hear my opinion. Sometimes when we hold in our feelings all we do is make for a really messy argument later on.

I am glad that I am learning to think before I “blast off” and upset someones feelings, but at the same time I still need to learn to speak the truth without judging the other person and to speak the truth in love. It is not easy. I am grateful that I am learning to be honest, gracious, loving and gentle in stating my mind.

Learning to Listen

Posted on September 17, 2008 by lautrec

Listen . Water . Waves . Light

One of the things that I am learning right now is how to listen.

At times when I listen to friends talk about their problems I am tempted to jump in and try to offer solutions even before they have finished describing the situation. At other times I feel overwhelmed by what they are saying and have a hard time not letting their chaos or despair overtake me and make me feel hopeless.

I know that the best thing for me to do is sit and wait and let them come to a natural stopping point. I know that the best thing is to see the situation they are describing as outside of myself. I guess I can sometimes be so empathetic that I put myself at risk. I also want to maintain a certain openness. I do not want to be clinical and detached. I guess I am seeking balance.

It’s time for my walk.

Walking . Thinking . Learning

Random Thoughts From My Walks Along the Delaware River

Category Archives: relationships