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The Only Person That I Can Ever Change Is Me

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Milepost .... (or half a mile post)

Milepost .... (or half a mile post)

 
My prescription for peace within myself and within the world is simply that: Focus on the only thing that we can ever change: ourselves.

Yesterday, I listened to a friend telling me what a horrible day she had one day this week and that’s all I could think of the while she told the story: The only person I can ever change is me. She told me how horrible this person had treated her and how wrong it was for anyone to act that way and how that person will never learn if someone doesn’t tell them they can’t behave that way. So she proceeded to file a complaint with her boss to prove to her how wrong she was. The lady was horrified for being turned in and to get back at my friend, she returned her Christmas present the next day. My friend was very proud of herself for standing up for herself and for what was right.

As I listened I realized that the hurt in this case was caused not by the lady who was mean, but by my friend who turned the lady’s actions into hurt inside her own heart. This “mean lady” did not take that hurt and place it inside of my friend’s heart, soul or mind. My friend made her own hurt and then was proud of what she had done.

In looking at this situation from the outside, it was easy to see the mistakes that my friend had made. It is not so easy when it is my own life that I am talking about with my own arguments and my own “nasty people” to deal with. The truth is still the same however. I cannot change the behavior or attitudes of anyone around me. I can only change how I react to others. I can only choose to change myself and not anyone else. I can take responsibility for my own emotions and my own happiness and my own life. For this I am grateful.

The quandary here however is how to tell my friend that I think she is wrong and that she is setting herself up for more hurt and more pain. Am I not trying to change my friend by telling her that I think she is wrong?

What Can One Person Do? Inderjit Khurana

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Blue Water Abstract

Blue Water Abstract

Last night as we were just about to go to bed, we stumbled across the story of Inderjit Khurana on PBS. This is a heart wrenching story but it also the story of how one man or one woman can make a difference for Good. Watch the The Train Platform Schools of India video online here.

This encourages me to reach out more and to visualize change in my own community and make it happen. It also reminds of how fortunate I am to live in America with good schools and opportunities everywhere. I am grateful to live in America. I am grateful that I had a good mother and father who worked hard to give me everything that I needed to thrive. I am grateful to hear the story of Inderjit. I am grateful for her spirit and her work. I am grateful for PBS. I am grateful that we can all hear about this story on the net.

In terms of this video, it is a PBS production for the series The New Heroes about Social Entrepreneurs.

Recovering From Depression Without Pharmaceuticals

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Grass . Sky . Light

Grass . Sky . Light

I first have to state a disclaimer. I am not a psychiatrist or a psychologist or a mental health professional. I am a man recovering from a serious depression and I offer my story as one of a simple example of what has worked for me. I am recovering from depression without using any prescription drugs. I am happy about that and I know my way might be right for others too. I have quite a few friends and family that are on mood stabilizers and some of them seem to be comfortably numb or getting by with just enough high anxiety to get to the next day, but never fundamentally getting any better, experiencing more peace or joy or fulfillment in life.

I should also say that I do not have health insurance and in a sense I think that has been good. There wasn’t a doctor sitting in an office ready to fill out a prescription for his favorite pill from his favorite drug company to give to me to make my pain go away. No, I have had to talk to friends, take long walks, stop smoking and stop abusing my body and brain with alcohol. I have had to find ways to get out of myself and my myopic obsession with my own pain.

One of the best things that I did in the depths of my depression was to remember that I wasn’t the only one in the world with pain, regrets, loneliness and hurt. I reached out to contact old friends and family to tell them that I loved them and that I wanted to do something special for them. I reached out this way 3 times. Two times life slapped me in the face, and a third time life rewarded me with one of the best experiences of entire life.

The first time life slapped me in the face was when one very old and very good friend was way to busy to come over for Christmas and called that afternoon to let me know they couldn’t make it. They didn’t even have the dignity to tell me they had no plans on coming earlier in the week. The second I got slapped was when a friend did come over for Christmas and then acted as like I had done nothing special for them. Then to make matters worse, a short time later they were far too busy to talk to me. These experiences almost made my depression worse and I have had to work for months to pull myself out of an emotional hole of resentment and a larger sense of loneliness than the one I started with.

It was however the third time, someone reached back and the experience ended up changing both of us. I reached out to my father and told him I wanted him to come and visit me this summer. He did. It was for me a reason to keep on living in the months leading up to his visit. In the planning stages there were flights to check and arrangements to be made and things to get my mind off of myself. When dad arrived, it was a chance to deeply connect with someone I had always loved but never spent much time with, and most importantly, for him at the advanced age of 87 years old, it was as he told his older sisters ”the best thing that has happened to me in 50 years”. This experience where I reached out and someone else reached back, changed my life.

At times, I have a problem focusing only on the negative, on what turns out badly and on how I fail. I obsess about people that reject me. I concentrate on how much I hurt. I now can take those two negative experiences and let them determine the rest of my life or I can let that one incredibly transformative experience guide the rest of my life. I can make a choice to live in pain or to live in happiness, acceptance and forgiveness. I have to remember that I did something for my dad that turned out beautifully. His visit changed us both for the better. I have to remember that I am capable, even on the darkest day, of changing my world for the better.

I am learning to let my own wounds go and to release those that hurt me to have a good life. I have to release them with no feelings of resentment or jealousy or pain.

I have been feeling the need to publish this story because on my daily 5 mile walks, it just kept coming back to me. I think other people need to know that a pill is never THE ANSWER. Prozac,  Zoloft and Cymbalta might be part of a treatment, but they should never be counted on to do all the work. Exercise, reaching out beyond ourselves and our pain, good diet and positive mental habits are just as important in our healing.