Tag Archives: fear

Celebrating 50 Years of Life

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50: A number not to be feared

50: A number not to be feared

Today is my 50th birthday and I choose to celebrate my own survival and prosperity this day. I claim every good thing for myself. I look forward to a whole new decade of discovery and growth. I thank the universe for helping me to get over my self [self and negative perceptions of my personality and place in the world] and my obsession with failure and poverty. I embrace my new world. I embrace my own personal “new age”.

I thank Louise Hay for helping me to get here. I thank my mother and my father and my entire family for their love and wisdom. I thank my life partner for being here for me and holding my hand for the past year while I walked through the dark valley of my own making in my own despair and self hatred. I am a wonderfully lucky and blessed man. I am grateful for my father’s visit this past summer and his acceptance and love for me. I am grateful for a roof over my head, food in my refrigerator and cupboards, opportunities surrounding me in every direction, for political freedom, the chance to run my own business, the health to be able to walk 5 miles a day, for stopping smoking this year, for wonderful new destinations that I have discovered, and the blessings of technology that make the Internet and this blog possible.

Turning fifty years old is not scary at all. It is the fear of turning fifty that is really scary. It is a fear that can destroy you; It is a fear that can drive you crazy, but only if you let it. Embrace the possibility of this moment and your future. Embrace The Concept and The Reality of Now.

My Depression – The Worlds Depression

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Abundance in Nature

Abundance in Nature

My Depression preceded the Worldwide Economic Crisis of 2008 by a few months and for that I am grateful. I don’t think I could have taken the entire planet writhing in pain at the same time that I was. It would have made “my world” even darker.

It is interesting to compare my own crisis with the worlds right now because at the base there is a striking similarity. Joe Nocera of the New York Times said of the financial crisis this morning:

Similarly, when times are bad, fear and loathing capture our imagination, and we find it equally impossible to see a glimmer of hope.

It is that same irrational fear and loathing that led to my own downfall. I was afraid of the future and I loathed my present and my past. I had come to absolutely hate myself. It was strange this week to see bankers, traders and big wigs acting out the same self destructive fantasies that I had in the midst of my depression. It seemed at times this week that the whole world had gotten a serious gut wrenching flu that was sending it into cold sweats with waves of nausea and pain.

The only way I had out of my crisis was to begin to respect myself again and to look for hope. In some way, that is what the world has to do now too. It has to learn from the mistakes of the recent past and get up off the floor, screaming at the top of its lungs, writing in pain.

The world is no less abundant than it was a few weeks ago.

The universe is not poorer than it was a few weeks ago.

The universe is just as rich as it ever was. Nothing has changed.

Do you have just one thing to be thankful for today? Is there more?

The Diseased Funeral

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Grave Yard

Grave Yard

Last week I went to a funeral for the first time in what seems like a decade and it has been on my mind quite a bit since then on my daily walks.

My friend that died last week was a gentle soul who had been in pain for years. He was loved by everyone that met him and we will all miss him very much. His funeral turned out to be not so much an exercise of tribute as it was an opportunity for the preachers to attempt to scare everyone in the audience back into church because if we knew this man very well then we most surely must be headed to hell just like he was.

We all knew exactly what the preacher meant when he talked about “the Disease” that our friend had and how it ravaged his body and spirit. He was proudly telling the whole world that this man was an alcoholic and that was what he should be remembered for. So much was made of it that it seemed that the funeral was more of a tribute to that infernal Disease than it was to our friend.

This funeral was very much like the one that was given for my brother where the preacher somehow thought that it was appropriate to talk about my brother and a desperate prostitute in the same sentence.

In other words, please don’t call the preacher to lead my funeral service who never knew me and never cared to get to know me. I will be very glad when I leave this planet to have all of my friends and family have a celebration service to remember the good times that we all had together.

I affirm the right of every man and every woman to leave this earth in a dignified manner and not have their entire lives disparaged and lessened just because they were not in the right place on the right day at the right time in someones “right view of the world”.

To end on a more positive note, I am grateful for the times that I had with my friend. I am grateful that I got to know him. I am grateful for his smile and his wonderful silly little dance that he did when he was happy. I am grateful for the love he showed me and how he made me feel special when I sat down next to him. Here’s to you my friend. We’re all happy that you aren’t in pain anymore.