Happy Sad Faces
When I started this blog, I wanted it to be brutally honest and deeply personal. It is hard to do that when I am really upset and things look really bleak in my life. I know that to really help others however I need to share the tough times as well as the good.
I often panic when I have a bad argument with someone I love. I can only describe these incidences as panic attacks because that’s how they feel. When I reach that level, I feel like I am totally out of control. I cannot stop crying and I feel experience an ever increasing, growing and rising sense of anxiety and chaos. In these times it feels like everything is hopeless and blowing apart inside of me.
What I learned today since my panic attack last night is this:
On my spiritual journey, I have to stay focused on changing and improving me - not my loved ones. I cannot drive them away from me with constant nagging and criticism. Here’s a great article on “What You Can Do to Improve Your Marriage”.
I still have a lot to learn about listening. I found a great post by Filipina Mom Blogger about listening to a husband that loves to rant.
About Panic Attacks I found this resource on Negative Self Talk. It is actually about panic attacks that occur when you take a test, but the phenomenon is the same regardless of what causes the behavior.
Tags: anxiety, arguments, chaos, control, critical, criticism, listening, nagging, negative self talk, negativity, out of control, panic, panic attacks, relationships
Listen . Water . Waves . Light
One of the things that I am learning right now is how to listen.
At times when I listen to friends talk about their problems I am tempted to jump in and try to offer solutions even before they have finished describing the situation. At other times I feel overwhelmed by what they are saying and have a hard time not letting their chaos or despair overtake me and make me feel hopeless.
I know that the best thing for me to do is sit and wait and let them come to a natural stopping point. I know that the best thing is to see the situation they are describing as outside of myself. I guess I can sometimes be so empathetic that I put myself at risk. I also want to maintain a certain openness. I do not want to be clinical and detached. I guess I am seeking balance.
It’s time for my walk.
Yellow Flower from the Garden District in New Orleans
I think I probably could have called this Blog “Letting Go” because on the spiritual journey that I am on it seems that I am coming up on the need to do this over and over again, each time in slightly different ways. My need to let go is very strong evidently.
I have always felt driven to always tell people exactly what I think about them and about the best course that I think they should take. The problem is that, not everyone wants to hear my opinion all the time and sometimes I just need to shut up and let it go. I have to trust the universe to get the message out without thinking that I am the sole messenger of truth or wisdom.
I may be driven to perfection, but I don’t have to use it as an instrument of torture over myself, my family, my friends or my associates. I have to learn to let things work themselves out sometimes or simply fall where they may and find their own way.
I am grateful that I am learning to temper my perfectionism. I am grateful that I am learning how to express it. I am grateful that I am learning to let go of my perfectionism. I am grateful that there is a wonder and a beauty to the world around me that is an imperfect world.
Learning about perfectionism is learning about forgiveness.
Tags: family, forgiveness, friends, grace, grateful, gratitude, ideals, judgement, learning, letting go, listening, opinions, perfect, perfectionism, problems with perfectionism, relationships, speaking out, speaking up, spiritual, truth, understanding, wisdom
